


The 5 Times Cruella Tried to Kill Herself

by KnightsofEclipse



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Companion Piece, F/F, Mal is a dick but that's nothing new, hook gets the worst lines and i love him for it, it's angsty because it's canon, non canon backstory, trigger warning suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 12:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightsofEclipse/pseuds/KnightsofEclipse
Summary: Taking Cruella's curse literally; Cruella de Vil cannot kill another person, this includes herself.Cruella doesn't stop trying, not until she finds a way to succeed. What was different this time? Ursula wasn't there to stop her. Obviously dark and sad, deals with the idea that Cruella was always suicidal after Isaac took away her ability to kill. Please don't read if it will put you in a bad place.





	The 5 Times Cruella Tried to Kill Herself

He took everything from her. Her beauty. Her life. The only thing she’d ever wanted. The only things she ever had. And her will to live. She couldn’t stay here. Not after what she’d done. Something she would have never dreamed of if he hadn’t shown up.

She gathered what she could and slipped away into the night. He had to be wrong. This wasn’t just some story she was a character in. She was a real person. She would make her own story. She squeezed her eyes shut and dreamed up a world. Anything had to be better than this.

She opened them slowly, afraid she was wrong. Sunlight warmed her face. It refracted off the ocean and she could feel the waves shake the dock she stood on. This was definitely a new world. But she was still her. And still ugly from the godforsaken ink. 

She just wanted things to go back to how they were. To have her life back. To want to live again. But she can’t. She just can’t. She can’t keep living. Not like this. She hugged her light fur coat closer and braced herself. She took a deep breath and ran forward until there was no more dock beneath her feet and she was plummeting down into the dark, watery depths. 

She could feel herself going. Darkness creeping. Her life…ending. And then arms around her middle and the water pushing against her as she was dragged up to the surface. And suddenly she was coughing and sputtering and clinging to a…a…another woman? 

She struggled against strong, dark arms until she could swim far enough away she wasn’t relying on this woman to stay afloat. “Why did you have to go and ruin everything? My life is shitty enough! Let me end it without interference!”

The other woman puffed out her chest defiantly. “So long as you’re in my ocean I won’t allow it!” Cruella was taken aback. Her ocean? She then felt something slimy wind its way around her waist…a tentacle? How… “And I’ll make sure of it, too.”

Cruella acted on instinct, blowing out her persuasion power onto the appendage that was violating her thin frame. It responded and she splashed back down into the water suddenly, giving herself a start. She hadn’t noticed she had stopped treading water when the thing had grabbed her and she began to sink once more.

She didn’t remember much after that. Just the thought that maybe she was gone this time. She was sorely disappointed when she awoke on the shore of a small cove with the woman pushing wet hair from her face. “Why?” Her voice was hoarse from the salt water and she attempted to clear her throat to feel an unpleasant burn.

“I don’t know,” the woman admitted. She was focusing on running her dark fingers through Cruella’s bicoloured hair. “I guess,” she didn’t seem to be speaking to Cruella any longer, but herself, “I thought, maybe, if I was willing to save someone that someone would be willing to save me.”

“Save you?” Cruella laughed harshly until it changed to coughing at the roughness in her throat. “What have you to be saved from? You’re beautiful. Strong. You had to be. You fought off that tentacle monster and saved my life twice. I bet you even have someone who loves you.” She couldn’t help the bitterness in her voice at that last one. “What’s so miserable about your life?”

She had turned away. Good. Cruella hoped she had offended this other woman. That’s when she saw the tentacles streaming out from the bottom of her dress. She quickly diverted her eyes, but not before she was caught staring. “I’m not as perfect as you paint me out to be. My happiness was taken from me, just as yours was.” She looked just as bitter as Cruella felt. “I’m a monster because of it. And no one can love a monster,” she spat.

Cruella was intrigued. She hadn’t given this woman credit. Sure, she was a monster, but she was an exciting monster. Cruella had once fancied herself a monster. What’s two monsters out wreaking havoc? “Maybe I can.” She startled herself with her words. That certainly didn’t come out right.

“You can’t even love yourself.”

It was true. She didn’t love herself. She didn’t really love anyone. Or anything. But that could change. With time she could surely learn to love. And this woman deserved love. She had, after all, saved her. “We can try.” She started shaking her head erratically as she spoke. “We both need a fresh start. Why not together? We’ll make our own happiness. Two monsters, terrorizing the world together. What do you say?”

She extended her hand and the other woman just started at it. “You just expect me to trust you? How do I know you aren’t going to get us both killed?” She turned away, moving back towards the water. “As far as I see it; I’m just collateral damage to your little suicide mission. No thanks. I’ve been fighting too long for my happiness to throw it away on a whim for some stranger who just tried to drown herself, twice.”

Cruella’s mouth starting acting without her brain’s permission again. “But we’re not strangers. Strangers don’t know each other.” She sat up, finally, shaking sand from her hair. “This may sound crazy but, I feel like I know you. Maybe because we’re alike. Or we’ve met in another life time.” She waited to be acknowledged. The woman was sizing her up. “Please. I’ve never had a good dream before. And now that I’m having one; I don’t want to wake up.”

She waiting, focusing all her hope through her eyes at the other woman. The dark-skinned beauty gave a dejected sigh. “Fine. But you gotta swear that you aren’t going to pull any of that shit,” she motioned to the water,” again.” Cruella nodded. “Nuh uh. You gotta swear it. On the sea goddess Ursula, swear!”

Cruella cleared her throat. “I swear on the sea goddess I will not try to drown myself again.” She pushed up and dusted the sand from her bottom. “Satisfied?” She waited for the inevitable eye roll. “Good. Now, we can’t well be partners if we don’t know each other’s names. I’m Cruella.”

“Ursula.”

“The sea goddess?” Cruella cocked her eyebrow. The title definitely fit. She had been understating when she had called this woman beautiful. “Well, My Lady, shall we be off then?”

\--+--

A year had come and gone before Cruella started feeling down again. The pair had “celebrated” their anniversary and she was coming down from the excitement high. Things were looking bleaker than when she had first opened her eyes to this world. 

They had nothing. For a goddess, Ursula wasn’t as worshipped as Cruella had thought she would be. It made the woman sad, every time they came upon a new town and they were laughed out of a shop or tavern when Ursula revealed herself. It didn’t seem fair. 

It seemed even less fair that Cruella had to suffer, too. She had contemplated, on her darker days, what she could gain from leaving the sea witch to fend for herself. Each time the cons outweighed the pros and she stayed. 

She envied how Ursula could see the best in every situation. No shelter for the night? They got to sleep under the stars. No food for a few days? They needed to lose a few pounds each anyway. Someone was mean? That person was probably just having a bad day. 

It infuriated Cruella some days and endeared her others. She shrugged it off, most of the time, to Ursula being a goddess. And Cruella made sure to never forget that and to keep herself in her place, below the deity. As far as she was concerned; she was Ursula’s only devotee. And she planned on being the damn best devotee a goddess could ask for.

“I’ll go into town,” Cruella offered. Sure, she felt very blah, but that wasn’t an excuse to neglect her duties to her goddess. “You can stay here and rest. Things will get better,” she offered, though she didn’t believe it herself. Things hadn’t been good since they had left the harbor town over a year ago.

Ursula looked up from tending the pathetic excuse for a fire. “Thanks,” she nodded before turning back to the charred wood, “Maybe stop by a few of the taverns and see what you can pick up. We might be pretty far in land but that doesn’t mean sailors won’t stop here.”

Cruella bobbed her head. “Of course, My Lady.” She took a step back before turning to leave. It wasn’t that she felt like she was living on eggshells to please the other woman. It was more along the lines of setting personal guidelines and being beyond sure to follow them. 

She smiled to herself at how successful she had been so far. They hadn’t had an argument since that day on the shore. But that was an understandable one. She had a reason to live now. She had a goddess to serve. 

She entered the market place that acted as the small township’s gates and began sniffing around for unattended shops she could swipe odds and ends from. It wasn’t long before she had filled the pockets of her fur coat with enough food for the week and made her way to the nearest tavern. 

She slid in to a dark building where pints of ale and mead were being served to a rowdy bunch. She found a place near enough to hear but far enough to go unnoticed and waited. Over the year they had been traveling, Cruella had learned what to listen for. Mostly they wanted news from the sea; what the mermaid activity was like and what ships were moving in and out of each harbor. 

“The Jolly Roger left for Arendelle not long ago. I doubt we’ll see Captain Hook around these parts for a good few months,” one of the shady men boasted a pint down after delivering the news. From what Cruella knew of this Captain Hook, he was generally disliked among sailors and pirates alike. “A shame what happened to his last charge. You heard?”

They all grew silent at the mention of this charge and Cruella shifted closer out of curiosity. One of the younger men spoke up, “I heard. The king of the sea offered him bounty in exchange for her. Word’s a bit scarce on whether he took the bounty or the girl, mind you.” 

The man whom had spoken before ran his hand against the back of the younger man’s head. “She weren’t just some girl, lad. She was the princess. She’d run away to live on land. Can you imagine, a mermaid living on land?” They all erupted into laughter that shook the room with its echoes. 

They grew silent again when the door opened and closed behind a woman. She was dressed modestly enough but something about her told Cruella that she was anything but ordinary. The woman found herself a seat away from the men and looked off awkwardly.

Cruella couldn’t contain her curiosity, she ventured closer to the men and cleared her throat to gain their attention. “Excuse me, gentlemen. If you don’t mind my asking, I have a few questions.” She waited as they all shuffled around to make room at their table for her.

Cruella made herself comfortable in the space they made, being sure to keep the woman in her range of vision. “What was your query, lass?” one of the other men spoke.

Cruella refocused on her immediate company. “The princess you were speaking of. Who is she? I’m afraid I’m not from these parts and I’m quite ignorant of local royalty.”

The men all seemed to deem this acceptable, nodding and murmuring understanding. The younger man’s voice rose above the dull roar. “King Poseidon’s daughter. She used to make short trips on land to sing at taverns. Captain Hook kidnapped her. The king was angry and tried to wager for his daughter back. In the end her beautiful voice was lost.” 

Cruella felt a pang in her heart. The poor dear. She, too, had lost something dear to her. “What happened to her after that?” She caught the woman staring from across the room, but quickly turned her attention back to hear what they had to say.

“They say she turned herself into a monster and disappeared, just like the goddess she was named for,” the man said mysteriously.

“Goddess?” Cruella had a sinking feeling.

The men all nodded and a new man spoke, “Yeah, the sea goddess, Ursula. A beautiful woman with tentacles like an octopus. They say the princess turned herself into the sea goddess out of grief for her lost voice.”

Cruella pushed up abruptly from the table. “Sorry, I really should be getting back.” She left without waiting for acknowledgement. She felt…horrible? That didn’t seem strong enough. Or even in the right range of emotions. She felt lied to. And also concerned. Hurt and worried. Everything was different and everything was the same. 

A part of her wanted to ignore what she had learned, keeping worshipping her goddess as she was. But another part of her felt like she had just had her soul ripped out because she was worshipping a false god. Of course she wasn’t that lucky to have a god smile on her. She should have just died that day, saved herself the heart ache.

“You guilty, selfish, petty girl!” she shouted into the sky. Her balled up fist made contact with the nearest tree and she hissed in pain, recoiling to nurse the cuts that bled freely. “How could you?” she whispered, tears trailing black down her cheeks. 

“Are you alright?” Cruella spun around to glare at the intruder. It was the woman from the tavern. She was smaller than Cruella had thought and much younger. “You look like you could use some good, old-fashioned revenge.” The smirk on her face confused Cruella.

“I beg your pardon?” Who did this woman think she was? 

The woman shrugged, her dark hair bouncing around her face from under her hood. “I’m pretty good at getting villains back on their feet.”

“I’m not a villain,” Cruella spat. She wasn’t. Not here at least. Maybe back in her own world she would be seen as one, but here she was just an ordinary girl with no alliance beyond her goddess. A new wave of tears destroyed her composure at the thought of Ursula. “I wish I’d never left that blasted attic. I should just die!” she choked, speaking strictly to herself.

Smoke wrapped itself around Cruella and by the time she realized what was happening the woman had teleported them both up into a tree. “You want to die so bad, here’s your chance.” She waved out at the forest floor, now so far below them Cruella could barely see it. “No one will survive the fall. Jump. It’s that simple.” She waited a half second before growing impatient. “What are you waiting for? What’s stopping you? Don’t you want to hurt her?”

Cruella’s tears stopped abruptly. “Hurt her?” Would her death really mean anything to Ursula? Cruella couldn’t imagine it would. She was just a devotee, easily replaced by the next gullible sap she fished off the docks. There wasn’t a single thing special about her. “She won’t care. I mean nothing to her,” she whispered.

The branch seemed to disappear from beneath her feet and she felt gravity take hold. She was really going to die this time. She rolled in the air to watch the woman’s face disappear from view. The end was near. She just had to wait for it to meet her.

She closed her eyes and waited for impact. Her mind was blank. She didn’t want to ruin this moment with regrets or reminiscing. She would just die and that would be it. Falling felt like drowning and she was lulled into the sense of security that the numbness that pulled her down brought. 

She didn’t make impact. Not how she thought she would anyway. No, instead a tentacle found its way around her waist and she was yanked from the air sideways and collected into an awaiting dark embrace. She found her face pressed into the bosom of another woman; her lady. “You promised.” She heard the hiss as arms replaced slimy appendages. 

“I said I wouldn’t try to drown myself again,” Cruella choked out. She was between laughing and crying. Everything hurt and everything was ok. She felt stupid for trying it. She felt stupid for doubting. She felt stupid for ever wanting to leave her lady’s side. She pulled back enough to look into Ursula’s concerned eyes. “I’m so sorry, my lady. I was being selfish.”

Ursula brought her tentacles back around Cruella to free up her hands to hold Cruella’s face. “Damn right you were being selfish. What would I do if you weren’t here? You are all I have. You would seriously leave me alone just because you’re having a bad day? I need you.” 

Tears started back down Cruella’s cheeks. Her voice was lost to the sobs. She needed Ursula, too. She needed the reminder. “Thank you,” she barely got out. “Thank you, my lady.”

\--+--

Cruella didn’t like the intrusion. The dragon woman, Maleficent, had been traveling with them since The Dark One had brought them together. She hadn’t a moment alone with her lady since. Sure, they had spent some years apart and they probably would have still been apart were it not for The Dark One, it didn’t mean Cruella welcomed the company. 

They had returned to the port town where the two of them had met. It was like a dream. Cruella couldn’t have been happier. Well, she could have, if that woman wasn’t distracting Ursula from what was important. 

Sure, Cruella was jealous in the past. Mother had a new pet or lover and she was cast aside. Or a handsome stranger had caught the sea goddess’ eye and she was forgotten for a day or two. But this was different. Maleficent would not go away. 

Cruella took a deep breath from the back of the group and tried to look on the bright side. They were able to walk through the town without strange looks. In fact, most people cowered in fear or hid away from the dragon. That is, everyone except the pirates unloading on the dock. 

“Well, if it isn’t the song-less song bird. Time hasn’t treated you well, love,” a one-handed pirate was speaking to Ursula. He had a hand on the goddess’ elbow and Cruella could feel a fire burning in her belly.

She muscled her way past the dragon to force her way into the conversation. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

He faltered a moment before bowing extravagantly at the waist and flourishing his hook. “Killian Jones. And who might you be, love?”

Cruella narrowed her eyes. He hadn’t released his grip on her lady. “The woman who is going to take your other hand if you don’t take if off the goddess.”

He took that surprisingly well, letting go and holding his hand up defensively. “Aye, lass. Care for a wager then?” He winked at Ursula. “The king pays a pretty penny should I return his daughter.”

Cruella crossed her arms. “And what if I don’t take this wager?”

Clearly, he had been ready for this response. “Well, then I’ll have to take you all as my prisoners. Mr. Smee!” he shouted up to a man with a red hat holding a rope.

“For fuck’s sake, kick his ass,” Maleficent roared. She evidently didn’t care for the prospect of being the pirate’s new property. 

Killian raised an eyebrow before tossing Cruella a sword. The other two got out of the way as they set into position. Cruella had handled a sword only a handful of times. Most of which had been a last resort to try and steal food. Apparently a woman with a sword was quite intimidating, whether she knew how to use it or not.

The slashed back and forth a while before Killian started into some fancy maneuvers. He used his hook like a second sword, catching Cruella’s blade to throw her off balance while swinging his own at her exposed side. 

After some less than smooth recoveries, she felt a shooting pain in her side. Her vision became spotted, not unlike her mother’s dogs, and her grip on the sword grew unsteady. She watched the metal clatter to the cobbles as her hands cupped over blood running down her side. She staggered back a step before falling to a knee. 

“Looks like I win, love. You shouldn’t have listened to your friend. You were better off just surrendering.” Killian held his blade with the tip pressed to Cruella’s chest, as if he were to stab her straight through the heart. “Now you’ll bleed out. And I’ll return that sad excuse for a mermaid back to the sea where she belongs.”

A shaky smile curled up Cruella’s lips. “That’s what you think.” Confidence grew where the sword touched her skin. She leaned forward, feeling the steel pierce through her until she was gasping as the sword exited through her back. 

“CRUELLA!” Ursula’s broken voice was the last thing Cruella heard before her entire world went numb. Though her senses didn’t go all at once. Sound first, the scent. She could still feel the sword as her body slumped off of it. And she felt the cold of the coble against her cheek. The warmth of Ursula’s hand. And she could taste her own blood in her mouth as she convulsed and cough it out into her hair. And she could see. She could see the pain and horror and hatred in her beautiful goddess’ face. 

When it finally did go, she thought that was it. That it was the end. That there couldn’t possibly be more. Coming back as even more painful. Her sensation of touch came first. But wasn’t in her body. It was hovering over it. 

She came to identify it as her heart when her hearing returned next. She could hear its beat, as well as 3 distinct and familiar voices. She could place 2 as Ursula and Maleficent. The third, although she had heard it before, she could not place. 

Scent was next. Her world smelt of bricks and a fireplace. Almost like her mother’s house but not quite. Her mouth tasted of blood still, but also of sea water and something strange. Toadstool maybe. 

Finally her eyelids flickered and she could see. Ah, that was who the voice belonged to. The woman who had helped her up the tree. And now she was holding Cruella’s heart. And a needle. “Almost done, dear,” the woman said with a tight smile. Cruella could feel the needle poking in and out of her heart. What was the woman doing?

“Idiot.” Ursula filled her vision. Tears were running down her beautiful face, but they didn’t pain Cruella to see. Perhaps this was what being heartless felt like. “Why did you impale yourself? If Mal hadn’t dragon-ified herself I would be twenty thousand leagues under the sea and you’d be bleeding out on the docks.

Cruella found her voice, although feebly. “Don’t be silly, darling. Where ever did you get the notion I could kill myself from?” She laughed as best she could. 

The other woman nudged Ursula out of the way enough to push Cruella’s heart back into her chest. “There. Good as new. Try not to do it again.” She looked over at Maleficent who was warming herself by the fire. “I don’t think I can put it back together next time.”

Mal toasted the air. “How’d it feel to be dead?” She sipped from the goblet as if she didn’t actually care. From what Cruella could gauge; she really didn’t. “Mmm, don’t try any sudden movements just yet. May take a while for my little elixir to wear off.”

The woman placed the needle on the dresser and seated herself by Cruella’s feet. “I am sorry about the last time we met. I’m Regina,” she smiled warmly. “You’re welcome to stay in my kingdom as long as you need.”

Cruella returned the smile as best she could. “Thank you, your majesty.”

\--+--

Cruella emptied the last of the bottle into her mouth. Her head was spinning and her vision was blurred. Being this inebriated was only slightly more annoying than The Dark One complaining about her drinking all his good alcohol. He was an amusing man. She had found she could worm her way out of any situation he was involved in with simply a well-placed glance and a guttural purr. 

She rose on unsteady stilettos and walked a very crooked line to the kitchen. Digging about in the cupboard gained her two bottles of gin and a half a bottle of vodka. She took her horde back to the couch and made herself comfortable.

A bottle and a half of gin later was when Ursula returned from god knows where. She was damp, probably the beach. Cruella toasted in her general direction before pressing the bottle to her lips once more. 

Only a few drops found her tongue before all the bottles were snatched up by long, slimy appendages and place far out of her reach. “Now, what on earth was that for?” she slurred rather unattractively.

Ursula didn’t say a word. She sat next to Cruella on the couch before pinning the pale woman down and wrapping herself around her waist. She locked her wrists in place and buried her face in Cruella’s cleavage. “Stupid.” She heard the goddess mumble.

“I’m sorry, darling,” she purred, running fingers through Ursula’s hair. “I’ve tried so many times and it just won’t come.”

Ursula leaned up and kissed Cruella lightly on the lips. “I’m glad.”

Cruella felt foggy. “You’re glad I’m in pain?”

Ursula laughed, leaning in to kiss her again. “I’m glad you’re alive. I’m glad you’re here with me.” She resided to lay her head against Cruella’s collarbone. “Do you remember the day we met?”

Cruella purred warmly, the sound and vibration shaking Ursula. “Yes,” she sounded dreamy, “I tried to drown myself.” That earned her a light smack on the arm from a tentacle.

“No.” Ursula pulled free from around Cruella’s waist and sat up, her gaze intense. “I mean, do you remember what you said? In the cove. You said we would find happiness together. Two monsters, terrorizing the world together.” She leaned back further, forcing Cruella to sit up to maintain eye contact. Ursula’s eyes watered and Cruella instinctively reached out to cup the goddess’ cheek. “I’m not ready to wake up from this dream. Please don’t be so cruel as to take away my happiness.” Cruella caught and tear with her thumb and rubbed it away. “Don’t leave me.”

\--+--

Cruella stood on the cliff face, prop gun held to the child’s head. Don’t leave me. What a hypocrite! Cruella had never felt more betrayed. She had stayed alive all these years for that woman and what did it mean to her? Nothing. As soon as she had her voice back she was back to the sea with dear old papa. 

It made Cruella just as sick as hearing the child beg her to spare him. If only he knew he was just a prop, like the gun. She just needed to poke The Savior enough for her to poke back. That’s all Cruella wanted; one little poke. 

She got her wish. Magic, light magic, pushed her backwards off the cliff. It had felt like being hit with nothing and everything at the same time. As she tumbled she had no regrets. No, this was so different. This wasn’t her taking her own life. This was her sacrificing herself for a noble purpose. 

This was the end. She would no longer have to live. She would no longer have to bear the self-loathing and hatred that consumed her. No more regret. No more pain. No more suffering. No more lies told right to her face. No more pretentions. No more love. She wouldn’t miss any of it. 

She wouldn’t even miss her lady. No, she had made it clear they were through when she left without saying goodbye. There was nothing to miss, really. She was just a fish out of water. Really no use. It’s not like she had been Cruella’s reason to live all these years. Or her true love. No, that was ridiculous. 

It was not like Ursula was her entire world and without her, she had already been dead. No, that certainly wasn’t it. Not at all. She didn’t love Ursula. She didn’t love anyone. Because, when it came down to it; she couldn’t even love herself.


End file.
